tohotforwords

03:47 am: I am sorry!!!!
Meghan this is for you. I am sorry that I didn't come visit you today. I slept to late, due to staying up late because of drama. I am sorry.




I will be back Monday night. So if you are working next week, I will come see you and tell you of my trip and the plane ride and if I got sick.






Guess what?









I am TAN!!! Dark too!!! Larkyn says it looks really good and it is a sunless tan, therefore cancer free. Awesome!!!! It is a sunless spray, like airbrush, it is awesome and expensive.

I am sorry again for not coming to see you!!! Please forgive me... Please...????

02:18 am: Six days....
So I leave in six days for Arizona to see Kenny. I am so excited!!! I cant wait to him and kiss him and have him hold me. I miss him so much.

So I went to Cinema to see Meghan, but she wasn't there. Larkyn came and woke me up. She said we had to go see Meghan, so I got up, put on my slippers, and left, but no Meghan, just Sharon and the other old lady. It was quite depressing.

Meghan I hope you are there tomorrow. I might rent James and the giant peach because it is awesome.

Anyway, here is a thingy thing I did:

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex	MaleFemaleYES PLEASE!UndecidedBothNeither
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
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Quiz created with MemeGen!

04:02 am: School is out!!!!!!
So today it is official. I am done with school. I am so happy. I just got back from hanging out with Amber and Larkyn and two very attractive guys. We went to the Penguin and then back to one of the boys' apartment. It was a fun time.

So I was cleaning my room today and decided that John's gifts needed to go. It was hard throwing away the memories, but I needed too. I kept a few things, pictures and the promise ring. I am not sure what to do with it. I remember when he gave it to me. We were at the beach with my parents and we walked down to the pier. At the end of the pier, he reached in his pocket and pulled the box out. I cried and he told me he wanted me back and he wanted me to be his babygirl again, but when I was ready. I told him I was ready. It was so sweet and awesome.
I still love him and wish we could be friends, but I know we can't. It is sad. We use to have so much fun together, but the bad times were always horrible. I sometimes wonder where we would be if we would have worked things out.

I am happy now. Kenny makes me feel like I am on cloud nine. It is great. I wish he were here though.

I miss doug too, the secret boy. I think I can reveal him now. Hopefully his girlfriend doesn't have a lj and doesn't know who I am. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. I will always wonder what it would have been like to have him, to myself. Though our relationship was already fucked up because of our relationship. I would have never trusted him and that would have been an issue. I know he knew that and he knew he couldn't give me his all. I think it is sweet that he didn't want to pretend we had a relationship like he does with his girlfriend. He cared for me to much to hurt me.

Or maybe he is an ass and played with my emotions, but I would like to think that he was nice enough not to hurt me like that. He was always so sweet when were alone and Kenny wasn't in the picture. I fucked that up by bringing him in the picture, but I am glad now.

Because I love him. I know what all of you are thinking, I don't know him, I haven't known him long enough to be sure, but I feel it in my gut. I feel it so much and so hard that my stomach hurts when I think about too much. I would do anything for him and he would do the same. I can't wait to be with him. Live with him and be able to say that I have someone for real.

I hate dating. It is so stupid. I understand that people need time to confess all their secrets and slowly let their true self out, but I let it out with Kenny from the start. I didn't hold back. I knew a lot about Kenny before we even started dating or seeing each other. He has also let so much out since we started dating. But I let it all out. I told him everything, my wants, my needs, my future plans, my daydreams, my bad habits, and everything else that falls between those cracks. He still wanted to be with me and wanted to marry me no matter what.

I love him because he makes me happy, emotionally and physically, I feel secure with him and know he will do anything in his power to make me happy and continue once I am happy. I love how affectionate he is with me and how he adores everything about me, whether I agree or not. I love his beautiful green eyes and soft passionate kisses. I love how he can only sleep peacefully with his arm around my waist and his other arm under my neck tangled in my hair. I love how he tells me more than a hundred times a day that he loves me and wants to be with me and how gorgeous I am. I love how when he was here that in public he didn't mind showing affection, by caressing my cheeks and my neck and kissing me ever so slightly on the cheeks and giving me eskimo kisses. He constantly held my hands and massaged them whenever I asked. I love him because he lets me be just as affectionate to him whether in public or alone. I love him! I love him! I LOVE HIM!!!

02:31 pm: Blah!!
So my week has been very interesting. Actually the past two weeks have been. Its strange how boys work or at least the evaluation that Lark and I have discussed.

The secret boy has been contacting me and we have been hanging out. He has helped me with my homework and computer stuff and the fucking disk that decided I couldn't have my lab report the day it was due. Awesome times I had with that lab report.

I have to do another one too, in Chemistry!!! Yeah, sixteen more hours in the fucking library. The library and I were getting along so well till lab reports. The library decided that I was using it, which is ridiculous but whatever.

Anyway, so yeah, the secret boy. So we have been hanging out. Kenny was upset with this, but he understood that I needed help with Chemistry. Though the secret boy and I are no longer talking nor seeing each other anymore. The other night he crossed the line and made me feel very uncomfortable and doubt his true wanting to be just friends. I don't want to take the chance of going over there again and he decide that we aren't friends anymore, we are more than friends, then I'm in a really bad situation.

It sucks because I really liked him and enjoyed talking to him about my problems, not only homework problems, but other things going on in my life. I don't understand why now. I gave him a chance, choices and he made his choice. I moved on. I needed to move on. Our situation wan't exactly the best either, him having a girlfriend and all, but whatever. His affection or longing to be with me, but can't, isn't worth ruining Kenny and I's relationship.

Kenny hates school, like me, though his seem horrible compared to mine, but that because the school is through the army and has to do army things like pt in the morning at some ungodly hour. He calls me morning to wake me up and all day long we keep in contact. Its hard to talk to him sometimes. I just wish he was here or back at Fort Bragg, so I could see him at least on weekends. But life sucks and so does timing and I think I am dealing with it as best I can...

I am in that mood I was in last semester only somewhat worse. I want to just lock myself away from everyone, even my close friends. There was only two people that I could talk to and now one of them is no longer a part of my life.

I am scared now. Last semester, I was afraid to be alone for sometime, but now that is all I want. I can't enjoy showers anymore either, they make me think of horrible things, things I thought about last semester. Kenny doesn't understand this mood and wants it to just go away. It scares him and hurts him to think that him leaving put me in this mood.I don't know though, if it was then it took a while for the mood to start. It just hit me too. Slapped me in the face. Last semester I felt it coming for at least a month and I tried to fight it, but this semester I didn't have a chance to fight. It came from behind and tackled me.

Kenny is trying to make me feel better. He sent me a fairy barbie. It is awesome because IT IS A FAIRY!!!! He also sent me flowers. He is so wonderful sometimes and so affectionate and I enjoy every minute of it. I have always wanted someone to be as affectionate as me and now I think he is more than which is great. I feel like a queen around him or just when talking to him, though I'm afraid that will change once we are married. It would suck, but I would still love him. Well I am going to take a nap. I am tired from modeling today. It was so cold in that room and the little space heater wasn't helping at all.

I am done rambling. I will see you tomorrow Meghan!!!!!

12:58 am: Meghan…Meghan…Meghan!!!

I am so so so so so so sorry!!!!!

I had to go shopping with Larkyn, Kadi, Kyle, Travis, and my family.

I am so so so so so sorry!!!!

02:54 am: What A Day!!!!
So I started my day trying to print out my lab report that was due at twelve that i stayed up till five a.m. doing and keeping Kadi up because she let me use her computer. It shouldnt have taken so long, but i was talking to Kadi. Anyway, I went to print it out and the computer at the library wouldnt open it from my disk. It would open other things, but not my lab report. So I went to three other computers and couldnt get it to open. So after my lab I had till five to turn it in and it wouldn't be counted off for being late, but of course I couldnt get it to open and I had a chem exam tonight at five thirty that I hadnt really studied for so I went and saw my lab instructor to tell her my problem. She of course didnt believe and tried to open the file herself and my disk fucked up her computer. She didnt give me an extra day, though she said if I did get it to come up that I could e-mail it to her and she wouldnt count off for being late, but it never opened.

Then after all this I went to take my chem exam that I failed. I only knew how to do four questions and there were twenty two questions. Fun times! Chem is kicking my ass and hard too.

Then I took a nap due to lack of sleep the night before, and Kenny called because I was miserable and he wanted to try and comfort me. Then Lark called me to inform me that she wouldnt be in gboro tonight due to the lexus overheating and breaking down. So I said I would meet her at Casey's and take her back to gboro tomorrow. I have to model at two.

She helped me do my lab report. She typed it up and wow, where was she when I did my rough draft. It took us no time at all. Like it was absolutely amazing.I love her!!!

So that was my wonderful day. Then to top it off. I told Kenny some things that needed to be said. It hurt him and he was angry with me, but then he took a shower and called me back and said he forgave me and then said if i had anything else to tell him that i should come clean now. I dont have anymore secrets. I feel better now too. The guilt was starting to get to me. I told him these things because if we are going to get married, which is the plan right now, then we needed to start a relationship clean, no matter what. I was afraid he would say fuck everything and just end everything, but then Kadi said that if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me like he says then he will be angry, but will forgive me. Everything worked out, though he was still upset when we hung up and he will probably be in this mood for awhile till I fix the problem completely, which is the plan for Wednesday and then I can move on and be happy with Kenny.

I wish he were here. I want to wake up next to him and go to bed and sleep peacefully with him. With his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him so he can bury his face in my hair. I want to be able to kiss him goodnight and good morning and any other time that I feel the need to kiss him. I wish he were here to wake me up in the morning for my classes and make sure I get everything done on time and that nothing comes between my product and the due date, like today.

Enough rambling. I am going to eat pizza and watch Casey and others play cards.

07:38 pm: Awww...School...
SO it is finally hitting me that Kenny is gone. I cried the day he left till I fell asleep and woke up to realize that I was sick. Sick on my spring break. Awesome! I love my immune system!

Anyway. Yeah so i have been having really bad dreams lately and I wake up and then cant go back to sleep because im thinking of the dream that woke me up and scared to try to go back to sleep for fear of having another bad dream. My dreams are about Kenny and my family and how they would like to hurt him anyway possible. Though the dream I had last night wasnt quite like that. It started with Kenny and I talking on the phone and I was driving my car somewhere and it was raining hard and i couldn't see anything. But we were sort of fighting but not really and he hung up on me and then I parked my car and put my head down on my steering wheel and cried. My whole body was shaking from crying and then I woke up crying and shaking. It was tons of fun.

I miss him so much. I wish he could come back like next week or tonight. I love him so much too. I havent felt this way since John and it kind of scares me yet comforts me all at once. I just hope him being gone for so long won't change him. When John went to New York for six months he came back a different person and never went back to the person he was before he left. Everyone knows how that ended and the things that went on after he returned. It was a hard five years and I look back now thinking why was i so stupid. I put up with a lot of shit.

I am getting in that mood again, where all i want to do is walk around late at night and avoid sleep and dreaming and crying myself to sleep. I havent told Kenny that because it will just make him feel bad. I try not to act depressed when I talk to him either so he doesnt worry, but i fear that he thinks that i am fine with him gone and that i miss him, but i am doing fine without him, because im not.

Lark and Katie keep me occupied. We went out to eat last night, Katie's treat and it was nice. I had fun, yet i kept thinking about Kenny and if he was going to call and wishing he was with us. They like him and get along with him which is great. Lark gets jealous of him, but i do the same with Kyle so that is okay.

I am going to watch Gilmore Girls now and wish for Kenny to call me early. I just want to hear his voice and hear him say that he loves me and misses me so much that it would take a mathematician to figure out the formula that equals the amount of how much he loves me and misses me. He said that last night and it was so sweet. I love him and cant wait to see him. I may go visit him in Az. thats if i have the courage to fly on a plane by myself. I hate planes. They make me sick to my stomach and that is no fun at all.

07:09 pm: I saw this quiz on Lark's journal and took it too!

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. </td> agnosticism 92% Satanism 79% atheism 71% Buddhism 67% Paganism 50% Judaism 33% Hinduism 29% Islam 29% Christianity 4% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

02:39 pm: School.
So over the break my mother washed my proxy card and so it doesnt work now and i have to go get a new one. The thing is though, she washed my first card too, but it still works according to the drink machines.

So i was sick most of spring break, but i am feeling much better now. I always get sick when I go home, such a drag.

Lark and I went to South Park and tried on prom dresses and took pictures. It was fun. Then we went to Belmont Abbey and took lots of black and white photos of us. Lark dressed as a man and I wore the most beautiful prom dress that I wore to my junior prom. It is lilac and lace and has corset top with a lace shawl to match the skirt. OH my gosh I Love that dress.

I lost my bag that i carry all my books in along with a book. It also had my notebook in it which had all my notes and stuff for all my classes except my labs. Though i thought it had my disk in it that had all my writings on it and my lab report, but I found it in my book bag, so that is a relief. I dont understand why someone would take my bag, it has my initials embroider on the side. I bought a new book though and plan on printing out my syllabus for each class again.

I miss kenny. He left last Monday. I miss him terribly and i wish i could be with him. He always seems to cheer me up and keep me going. Though i did put him in somewhat of an ill mood last night, due to me being in a very ill mood. My brother whom i havent seen in a year decided to put his two sense into my life that he knows nothing about. He is filling mom and dad's heads with bullshit. He doesnt think that I am an adult and therefore should not be treated as one or talked to like one. He is such an asshole, though some of it i know comes from his rude, thoughtless, fat wife. I hate to be mean, NO WAIT, YES I DO. She has know business as well, less than him if he had any because she doesnt know me or the family and hasnt tried. She just took Jess and twisted his mind to think like she does and of course Jess obeys like a good little boy.

Anyway, God he makes me so mad. I am feeling myself drift back into my ill mood again.

FUCK THIS!!!!

07:33 pm: YEAH!!!

Theme songs of your life by eponine
your name?
love song:	ice cream - sarah mclachlan
depressing song:	home - the dixie chicks
party song:	bootylicious - destinys child
what-the-hell-ever song:	drops of jupiter - train
your life	white flag - dido
Quiz created with MemeGen!

10:41 pm: Oh wonderful school!!!!
Oh how wonderful school can be with a Chemistry exam on Valentines Day and a biology lab that was fucked up. Yes I love school.

God sarcasm is just so hard to type sometimes...

So i went to Fort Bragg this weekend with Kenny. We had a really good time. He got me a dozen peach roses and a heart shaped box filled with REESE'S!!!!!! It was Awesome!!!!I met some of his friends and slept the days away as long as I could, for I was cursed with having cramps, FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT!!!!!!My whole weekend.

I love being a girl, I forgot to mention that in the beginning. He was helpful though, giving me pills to pop and not work at all. Fun times I have with my relatives. I wish they didnt visit once a month, but thats the joy of being a girl my mother told me once. I dont find any joy in it at all. She lied to me.

Anyway, back to Kenny. I love him. I do. I told him I wanted to go to California with him, but I cant leave my little lark. I love her and will miss her terribly and we have plans to get jobs and get an apartment at the end of the semester, at least the apartment part. I will miss him though. I hope I cope with him leaving better than when John left me and moved to New York and then just left me altogether.

The secret boy has been nice to me lately. I havent really spoken to him in a few days. I miss him too.

I feel bad having feelings for two boys. I have done it once before and it lead nowhere, but disaster and me being alone and hurt and angry and wishing that boys werent so stupid.

I miss you Meghan. I hope you have a Happy Valentines Day. I am going to a concert with Travis this weekend in Chapel Hill. Neko Case, I think is who we are seeing. have fun at work and give mike the, well you know, my usual response when I hang up. I love you.

I am tired of writing and must go and tend to my larky poo for kyle is pissing her off and it is Valentines Day.

09:59 pm: Math sucks.
So i am in the library with lark and i just finished my math for the week. It sucked a whole lot and it took forever. I am tired. Chemistry wore me out and i found out i have an exam on monday in chem. as well. Not multiple choice either. Uhhhh... school.

So Kenny came home with me this weekend and we spent most of the time with my parents. I think they liked him because he has his head on his shoulders and making something out of himself. I love him so much. The days are going by fast and soon he will be leaving only not to Iraq, thank goodness, but to school, in another state. He wants me to be happy and live, but im not sure if i can. My feelings for him are escalating. Stupid timing. Stupid life.

The secret boy on the other hand is being rather confusing, like i didnt expect it. He said he wants to see more of me, which i am not sure quite what that means since he still has a girlfriend as far as i know, though he told me last night that he really needed to talk to me. Uhhh Boys. Cant live with them or without them.

I wish i was a lesbian. (no not really, probably bring just as much drama)

Meghan i love you and miss you. Hit mike and tell him i hate him

08:57 am: So life sucks and so do boys who i associate myself with. I have come to realize this weekend that i really do love kenny and i am not just saying that. I mean i really do. I know who would love me and take care of me and i feel secure when i am around him. But the problem is that he is leaving. He is going back to Iraq for a year. So i am not sure what to do about that. He told me that while he is gone, he wants me to live, do whatever i want with whom ever where ever. It is sweet, but i think he knows i was going to anyway. This makes it easier though. I wish he wasnt leaving, but then again i am because it may help stop the relationship from moving so fast. He told me that he wants to keep in contact and he hopes that when he returns that i will still feel the way i do now. Now i dont know. I love him, but the distance thing will be to hard on me, though i am not saying that i wont care about him or stop loving him by any means, i just dont know how much or if i will want to continue our friendship or whatever it is.

Now in the midst of all this, the secret boy is starting to come around which i have been waiting for since before christmas. now he feels very threaten by Kenny and feels like he is being replaced, but he isnt. He holds a special place in my heart and will always. Though he has confused me so much and wont talk to me about it. he doesnt know what to do or what he wants to do. We hung out this morning for awhile and bonded like never before. I wish he could talk to me, but he said quote " i am still the shy little boy that is scared to the core by a beautiful face." I think that that is the sweetest thing he has ever said to me or told me. I love him as well, but he doesnt believe in love and i have only told him once, for fear of scaring him away. I am not sure what to do about all this because of his situation and not knowing what he is going to do. He says one thing and then does another or nothing at all. His signals are so confusing and i just dont know where to be with them. He wants to talk to larkyn about this whole situation to get her opinion on it, but i dont understand why he cant talk to me. He said it was hard to talk to me, which scares me because if we do become more than what we are, then how will we ever communicate if he cant talk to me?

why does everything have to happen at once? Like i just dont understand. This is all that is on my mind, which takes away from my school work and paying attention in class. I hate it. I wish i could just be happy again, like i was with john, just not with john, with someone else who wants to be with me.

One boy wants to marry me and the other isnt sure what he wants with me, but wants me and doesnt want me to be with anyone else, but that isnt fair to me when he has someone else, whom he obviously cares about more than he is letting anyone else know, like me, because that is one thing that is holding him back.

I love livejournal. I love how i can just log in and ramble about my fucked up useless life that i am trying to live to the fullest, but things just keep knocking me down.

Meghan i love you. I hope you are well and hope you had a good weekend off. Tell Cliff hello. I am coming home this weekend so maybe ill see you. Do you guys have Reese's at work yet or peanut m & m's, because that would be absolutely awesome!

So i am tired of typing and feeling confused and wish i could just speak into a microphone that was connected to the computer and it would type as i spoke and i wish i wasnt confused and sad and confused.

P.S. Meghan, while lark and i were at Jan's house in the wee hours of the morning ( one am) Lark was telling me about your post and this woman behind us said she couldnt help but over hear our conversation and said she knew you too. (from LJ). Lark and i were like "weird...." but she seemed nice.

10:07 am: Interesting.
I am worth $952,186.00 on HumanForSale.com



Te He
(Anonymous)
2005-01-26 06:48 (link)
Sarah Rose Montgomery
(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Te He
bleedtoheal
2005-01-26 07:02 (link)
i met you in third grade, i scared you at first. we have been life partners now for 11 years. you are my my my rose.

shit... anything by jewel, they might be giants, off of the soundtracks of empire records or the craft, basically all early 90s stuff, anything by afi.
anything off of sailor moon.

a faerie. sailor venus. a sailor venus faerie.

magick.
(Reply to this) (Parent)


Oh how sweet of my little larky poo!!!!

So school sucks again. My class are so demanding this semester and that sucks a whole lot. Things with the boys havent changed except one is really flip flopping and that is annoying. I am not sure what he wants or wants of me. It is quite confusing. My army boy is still around and that is cool because he is awesome and sweet and pays me Tons Tons and Tons of attention that I adore. Well that is all for now. Class is calling my name. Fucking sucks.

10:59 pm: Interesting.

You Are 21 Years Old

21 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

10:43 pm: Oh my gosh

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:	Rediculously long, usualy tied up in ribbons.
Clothes:	School boy/girl uniform.
Powers:	Light magic
Special Features:	Elf ears
Sidekick:	The great spirit of (insert character name of choice here), as channeled through whatever item you have onhand at the time.
Attitude:	Very quiet and reserverd, extremely shy.
Weapon:	A sword that's twice as big as you are.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

08:43 pm: Crazy.
i think that i will be happier now since things have ended and i no longer wish for you to come around, or admit that you do care for me and want to be with me. i know now the truth, well i have actually accepted it and i know it is for the best.

i hate that things have to be this way, but i am tired of being unhappy... with you. i wish to be friends and i am sure we will someday because i do still care for you, but i am still angry and hurt and those things take time to heal, but im sure you knew that.

i am alone and i have to accept it, i guess, what else am i to do? i am to afraid to commit suicide and not that selfish. though sometimes i do feel like i am drowning, drowning in sorrow and disappointment.

why doesnt anyone want to be with me? please someone answer.

someone tell me why.

i am pleading.

am i not a good person? do i not show enough affection or show to much? i mean what can i do to change this because the feeling of suffocating is tiring and i have way to much to do and it is weighing me down. i am sinking deeper and deeper into the cold, icy water. i am tired of swimming and wish for someone to save me.

i dont think anyone will, and i am afraid when someone finally does, it will be to late.

i keep giving and giving and hoping for something in return, but nothing, silence, darkness. it is swallowing me up, engulfing my soul and heart.

what do i do? help me...

05:05 pm: GREAT!
so its happening again. i am falling back into my hole. never to see the light of day again.

i dont want to do anything or see anyone. i hate it when i get this way and i am mad all day everyday at everything for no apparent reason.

why cant i have someone? why do i have to be alone? For five years i had someone and then i threw it all away. i took him for granted. i thought no matter what, he will always be there, but no. that is what i get for thinking.

i have class in an hour and i am tempted not to go, but the final is next week and we have class only once a week. i also have not read the book the final will be about.

i hate what you have done and how you have made me feel. i thought things would be different since...well no it wouldnt because you are a boy and this is how boys are.

i am tired. i am tired of feeling this way. i am tired of you and i am glad i am ridding you of my life.

12:36 pm: i hate everything.
i hate everything is what i titled my old journal. funny because in reality, i think i really do.

i hate being alone.

john lied. he isnt here for me and i dont think he ever will be. he loved me once, but never again.

what is wrong with me? am i that horrible and unlovable? i mean i have never asked anyone for an organ or a body part of some kind, all i want is love and affection, is that to much? am i asking you to take a knife to the throat or a bullet in the heart, honestly?

why did you get involved? you fucked everything up just so in the end you can be like well, i am just not ready for a relationship that already exist except the title. why? all you have done is hurt me and i dont think i want to talk to you for a very long time. apparently i am not good enough for you or only when its convenient for you, even though im the one that made all the effort to see you and continue to see you. my friends were right, you dont care, all you wanted was one thing and you got it and that was good enough for you.

i knew this and yet stupid stupid me thought, no, he cares.

i need a NEW brain because mine is broken. i need a NEW heart too because mine has been broken to many times.

hope school is great for you and i hope you make something of yourself and you are successful because if not i am really going to be FUCKING PISSED OFF. because this is what you want and this will make you happy, not me.

i forgot that statement till last night. it is whatever makes you happy, who gives a fuck about everyone else because they cant help you be successful and fucking up her life wont matter because i am in my own unhappy world, so let me just drag everyone else with me.

ill pretend i care and tell her i miss her and then ill tell her i dont want to come see you because i dont want to lead you on. i dont want you to think that we are going to be more than we are.

which means i really care, but not. hope you feel better. hope life is grand, i still want to talk to you and see you when your home, but you have to come see me and i cant promise i dont have other plans.

boys are great. i have wanted one for sometime and now i can see that it is never going to happen. im good for one thing and thats it, fuck getting to know me and start something like a relationship. fuck commitment and love.

i am tired of boys using me. i am tired of giving and giving and receiving nothing in return. i cant keep doing this. i am not going to last much longer.

why do i wake up? why does the sun come up? why do i talk to anyone, but larkyn, she is the only one who wouldnt stab me in the back or use me and then toss me aside.

thank you. you have opened my eyes. good-bye forever!

04:33 pm: I am tired....
and whinny and tired and have to do a debate tonight for my Anthropology class and i know nothing of what i am suppose to write about or talk about.

i have so much stuff to do and so little time.

lark and i walked around today, looking at all the pretty houses/apartments and the leaves were falling all around us, crunching underneath our feet. it was a bit chilly, but we had fun.

we talked about living together and getting jobs.

i want to go home, but not home. i just want my car. i want to be able to just drive around whenever and where ever i choose.

i am tired and have to work on my debate.

another dream about him, not bad or good, he was just there in the background, watching me.

i wish he was watching me for real...